I’m Douglas. You can call me Doug if you find the “las” just too much to manage. I was born 14 months after Denise and 13 minutes after Philip, making me the youngest and arguably third of the siblings. I’m the only one of us who still lives in the South, which gives me much more ready access to bait stores and plus-size camouflage clothing. I am blissfully married with two amazing children and a “dog” that could fit roomily inside a Chinese to-go box. I can tolerate anything except racism, misogyny, and lactose. I love short walks on the beach, goosing elderly people on crowded elevators and drinking anything brown.
From Denise: Douglas indeed lives in the South, and I shall hook him up with a Mason-Dixon map since he thinks he’s the only sibling who does so. His sense of humor is robust, while his sense of direction is lacking. He enjoys spending time with his very lovely family, preparing fabulous meals, and thoroughly testing the boundaries of appropriate public behavior.
From Philip: I’m Douglas’s twin brother, Philip, but feel free to call me “Douglas,” since our mother usually does. Regardless of what Denise’s “map” says, Douglas is definitely the only one of us who still lives in the true South. I know this because every year on our birthday he sends me a five-gallon drum of gravy, which is the smallest size that Piggly Wiggly sells. If I could change only one thing about Douglas, it would be to stop him from stuffing his dog into to-go boxes. It was funny the first couple of times, but come on.